Out For Blood: Stoffer v. Stoffer

History: The prospect of this fight ever occurring was slim to none until promoters Jordan Faux and Dan Jennejohn stepped in. They arranged a meeting between Nobody Respects Me and the Frozen Banana to discuss the possibility of a blood match. Both brothers, especially the Frozen Banana, were reluctant to agree to the bout. However, a fight purse of $5.00 quickly persuaded Nobody Respects Me to fight his brother. The introduction of women into the room and the added taunts from his brother (egged on by Jennjohn and Faux) were enough to get The Frozen Banana to agree to fight his younger brother saying “I’ll clobber his fat face like a goomba under Mario’s feet. Then the princess will be mine!” A comment no one really understood.

The Weigh-in: Following proper Stoffer protocol, both brothers arrived to the weigh-in late thinking the hour long drive to the arena only took 15 minutes. Jon “Nobody Respects Me” was the first to arrive, wearing only his underwear and completely ready for the scales. It was later revealed that he arrived in the bare necessities because he didn’t have air conditioning in his car and needed to cool down.

After both fighters’ weights were recorded the brothers approached each other for some face to face witty banter. The stare-down was one-sided. Nobody respects me hurled insults at The Frozen Banana. He was even heard muttering, “Sometimes you are not an intelligent man.” The Frozen Banana, as usual, had no reply.

Pre-Match Analysis: That’s right, this is the stuff that legends are made of. Stoffer v. Stoffer, brother v. brother, mano y mano the fight to end all fights, a family fued, a blood match.

The brothers are fairly evenly matched, though “Nobody Respects Me” has a slight reach advantage. The Frozen Banana is looking peeled and hard, as he’s been really hitting the weight room in preparation for this fight and the ladies’ sexual appetites at Duck Beach Memorial Day weekend. But if Jon’s workout regimen of doing one thing per day that a fat person can’t do has had the effect he expected, then look to see The Frozen Banana thawing out it later rounds.

Fight Highlights: The first 3 rounds looked tame as each fighter tried to feel the other out or up, it was unclear. In fact, their mother suspected that each might be gay.

In Round 4, neither fighter left their corner after the bell because their sister Lisa was talking too loudly for anyone to hear it. The guy that rings the bell sent for a new bell thinking it was broken.

Round 5 saw a flash of fury from The Frozen Banana as he noticed some cute girls had entered the room.

Round 7 was the definitive round. It’s reported that during a clinch, The Frozen Banana whispered something about how Nobody Respects Me ought to ask one of the aforementioned cute girls out, sending Nobody Respects me into an uncontrollable rage. Apparently all the hours Jon spent playing Super Smash Brother and World of Warcraft actually payed off.

The Frozen Banana was dazed after Nobody Respects Me landed a quick double jab to the gut, which looked surprisingly akin to some sort of video game spell cast. The Banana tried to counter with a left hook but Nobody Respects Me leaned to his left dodging the blow and landed a huge uppercut while yelling something about not telling him which girls to ask out anymore and that he ought to worry about his own love life and give him some respect. The Frozen Banana’s head cracked back so fast and so violently that the crowd went silent. At least, it seemed that way because Lisa had just left to go to the bathroom at that exact instant. After staggering for a few moments, the bell rang and The Frozen Banana crumpled to the mat. Saved by the bell.

The Frozen Banana’s corner considered throwing in the towel after the massive blow dealt by Nobody Respects Me, but after a quick check from Can You Watch My Books… whose dad is a doctor, they let the fight continue. The Frozen Banana tried to avoid Nobody Respects Me’s blows by dodging side to side constantly as if he were playing Wii boxing like a tool. Unfortunately, this video game inspired strategy failed to transfer over into the real world and Nobody Respects Me landed an atomic bomb of an overhand right, sending the Frozen Banana sprawling onto the mat like a crumpled newspaper.

Post Fight Analysis: Well, this looks like the first knockout of the tournament and it was a big one. Luckily, The Frozen Banana’s got more money than he knows what to do with, so there is no need to worry about him. Hopefully Nobody Respects Me’s performance in the bout will gain him some of what he desires. Without the personal rage factor, it is unclear as to whether Nobody Respects Me can actually win another fight. Smooth Magic Smooth is quoted as saying that he never saw such a huge, massive, totally devastating right hand, but that he could easily take either or both Stoffers, even after eating 6 Krispy Kreme donuts.

Aftermath: Alan got revenge on his brother the next day by hiding under the kitchen table and punching his brother in the balls just as he was about to sit down. Nobody Respects Me expects a full recovery. Also the shattered remains of a paddleboat were found strewn in the Banana’s yard next to a dented shovel.

This is an inexplicable mystery to me

Why doesn’t anybody call Jennejohn ‘Hoss’? I just realized that this nickname is sort of like calling somebody ‘stud’ except even better. I was thinking about how great a nickname it was, and wondering if I knew anybody I could legitimately call ‘hoss’ and at first I thought no, no I don’t. But then, I realized that this is probably Dan Jennejohn’s middle name. So if anybody continues the boxing tournament on, I propose that we change Jennejohn’s name … only not to Dan “Hoss” Jennejohn, but to Hoss “the Kid” Jennejohn. Thoughts?

boxing challenge – match #2 (flash forward vs. can you watch my books for a minute but really 2 hours)

jordan advances after a thrilling matchup between “flash forward” and “can you watch my books for a minute but really 2 hours” ending in total chaos and utter confusion that smacked more of wwf than a respectable boxing match.

from the beginning this was destined to be a heated matchup for the two former roommates. the crowd erupted in cheers as “flash forward” emerged donning 4 headbands, 2 wristbands, and an old pair of safety goggles. for his part, mark met with even more crowd support as his entourage stormed the stage featuring bono, wearing a pair of newly minted baby-seal leather pants and carried on a raised platform by a dozen small children in ragged, threadbare coats.

the first round was rather lopsided with mark looking a little disheveled and disoriented. jordan landed an excellent left jab followed by an uppercut with the right just at the conclusion of the round. the fight was shaping up to be a quick affair in jordan’s favor.

things got progressively interesting as mark found that explosive flatulence followed by a scream of relief could stun “flash forward” for as much as 3 full seconds. this newfound weapon nearly proved to be jordan’s downfall. the end of round 2 saw both opponents rush at each other in total disregard for the rules and referee. organizers managed to pull the two apart from an immense bearhug long enough to prepare for the third round.

as the third round got underway, jordan made a crazed rush at “can you watch my books for a minute but really 2 hours.” mark was unable to dodge the blow completely but managed, just barely, to hoist his attacker in the air and throw him over his shoulder. the resulting “THUD” on the mat caused a massive light fixture in the arena to become dislodged from its position and swing precariously close to a large crowd of onlookers.

the two foes continued to wrestle as the referee and both trainers attempted to wrest the two from each other’s grip with little success. only after bono struck up a song about world peace and love were the two sufficiently calmed to sit in their respective corners. due to the unrestrained nature of the fight and concern for the structural integrity of the arena, the fight was sent to the judges for a decision.

judges voted unanimously in favor of “flash forward” in light of mark’s “underhanded and strange tactics”, undoubtedly a reference to his marvelous stunning trick.

Results from the Boxing Challenge, Part 1: Jennejohn v. Jenson

Danny “The Boy” Jennejohn vs. Dave “The Beauty” Jenson–Two old roomates square off in an epic struggle for pretty boy supremacy.

Pre-fight highlights: “The Beauty”– “I’m telling you, Jennepants will have no answer for me. This fight is gonna be nothing but green lights for “The Beauty””

“The Boy”–“Look, I don’t care what anybody says, I ALWAYS do the dishes around here.”

Jennejohn shows up nearly 3 hours late for the weigh-in, explaining that he just got off the date of his life with Randi and had been so preoccupied with their conversation that he lost track of time. He also explained that by the time he finished walking her home afterwards, he came as quickly as he could do the weigh-in. Jenson capitalizes on this three-hour window by meeting some chick, making out with her, and then breaking up. Or he would have, except he’s married.

Fight Summary: Even though he enjoys a supreme physical advantage in size, strength (especially strength), and speed, “The Boy” has a difficult time putting “The Beauty” away. Several opinions as the cause of this troubling lack of finishing power circulate among pundits. One–In the “The Beauty”‘s own words: “I was at freaking Anasazi. I’ve got survival skills that the rest of you don’t even know about. Plus I almost died of an autoimmune disorder. After that, I’m not gonna let some Saladin-loving Islamophile come in and take me down without a fight.” Two–Jenson’s punching style was impossible to predict. He followed no regular rhythm, and bounced along to a seemingly random, haphazard beat. After the fight, his trainer surprisingly declined credit for this inventive strategy, saying that Jenson’s rhythmic irregularities seemed to be innate, and possible genetic. Jennejohn scoffed at this notion, suggesting that he had probably just picked it up from all that “weird Indie music he listens to.” Three–The fight was held in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. For some reason, Jennejohn seemed strangely distracted by the female spectators and showed a surprising lack of concentration. Jennejohn claimed that an audience full of Latina women had nothing to do with his struggles, and suggested that his struggles were more likely the result of his pre-fight discovery that somebody had peed all over the floor in his dressing room. “It got me mad, alright, and after that I had a hard time getting my focus back. When I find out who did it, I’m probably gonna wipe it up with one of their shirts. In the mean time I’ll just make a sign to warn them off repeating it. It’ll definitely work; it’s clearly a genius idea, that sign.”

Result: Jennejohn def. Jenson (12 round decision) on the three judges scorecards, 78-72, and advances to the second round.

Coming next: Review of the Jon “Nobody Respects Me” Stoffer vs. Jordan “Flash Forward” Faux bout. The result may surprise you…

Boxing Nicknames

If you haven’t ready Spencer’s post below, you should do that. Exciting things are afoot.

Dan, Alan & I went out to dinner tonight to celebrate my last day of law school and my last night in DC for a few months. We ate at Legal Seafoods and moneybags Stoffer flipped the bill.

Anyway, an old Evander Holyfield fight was on and we started talking about boxing nicknames, so we gave everyone one. Here they are:

Danny “The Boy” Jennejohn

Jordan “Flash Forward” Faux

Dan “Romance” Rains

Steel “Willy Wonka” Wagstaff

Alan “The Frozen Banana” Stoffer

Mark “Can you watch my books for a minute but really 2 hours” Eliason

Dave “The Beauty” Jenson

Jon “Nobody Respects Me” Stoffer

Tyler “I’m friggin’ stupid” Cobabe

Matt “Smooth Magic Smooth” Howard

Spencer “Duermate” Gardner

They’re all pretty awesome. Based on these names, who would be the champ? Discuss.

wisconsin, ho! (really this time)

i’ve decided to go back to school at university of wisconsin studying urban planning.

i don’t have funding in place at the moment but i’m working furiously to find something before fall semester starts. we’re not really sure when we plan to actually move but it could be anytime between now and september.

alan: tell your parents to fire up the grill, we’re coming to the wholly cow (but don’t expect us to buy your garbage ice cream. we’re going to leduke’s for that.)