History: The prospect of this fight ever occurring was slim to none until promoters Jordan Faux and Dan Jennejohn stepped in. They arranged a meeting between Nobody Respects Me and the Frozen Banana to discuss the possibility of a blood match. Both brothers, especially the Frozen Banana, were reluctant to agree to the bout. However, a fight purse of $5.00 quickly persuaded Nobody Respects Me to fight his brother. The introduction of women into the room and the added taunts from his brother (egged on by Jennjohn and Faux) were enough to get The Frozen Banana to agree to fight his younger brother saying “I’ll clobber his fat face like a goomba under Mario’s feet. Then the princess will be mine!” A comment no one really understood.
The Weigh-in: Following proper Stoffer protocol, both brothers arrived to the weigh-in late thinking the hour long drive to the arena only took 15 minutes. Jon “Nobody Respects Me” was the first to arrive, wearing only his underwear and completely ready for the scales. It was later revealed that he arrived in the bare necessities because he didn’t have air conditioning in his car and needed to cool down.
After both fighters’ weights were recorded the brothers approached each other for some face to face witty banter. The stare-down was one-sided. Nobody respects me hurled insults at The Frozen Banana. He was even heard muttering, “Sometimes you are not an intelligent man.” The Frozen Banana, as usual, had no reply.
Pre-Match Analysis: That’s right, this is the stuff that legends are made of. Stoffer v. Stoffer, brother v. brother, mano y mano the fight to end all fights, a family fued, a blood match.
The brothers are fairly evenly matched, though “Nobody Respects Me” has a slight reach advantage. The Frozen Banana is looking peeled and hard, as he’s been really hitting the weight room in preparation for this fight and the ladies’ sexual appetites at Duck Beach Memorial Day weekend. But if Jon’s workout regimen of doing one thing per day that a fat person can’t do has had the effect he expected, then look to see The Frozen Banana thawing out it later rounds.
Fight Highlights: The first 3 rounds looked tame as each fighter tried to feel the other out or up, it was unclear. In fact, their mother suspected that each might be gay.
In Round 4, neither fighter left their corner after the bell because their sister Lisa was talking too loudly for anyone to hear it. The guy that rings the bell sent for a new bell thinking it was broken.
Round 5 saw a flash of fury from The Frozen Banana as he noticed some cute girls had entered the room.
Round 7 was the definitive round. It’s reported that during a clinch, The Frozen Banana whispered something about how Nobody Respects Me ought to ask one of the aforementioned cute girls out, sending Nobody Respects me into an uncontrollable rage. Apparently all the hours Jon spent playing Super Smash Brother and World of Warcraft actually payed off.
The Frozen Banana was dazed after Nobody Respects Me landed a quick double jab to the gut, which looked surprisingly akin to some sort of video game spell cast. The Banana tried to counter with a left hook but Nobody Respects Me leaned to his left dodging the blow and landed a huge uppercut while yelling something about not telling him which girls to ask out anymore and that he ought to worry about his own love life and give him some respect. The Frozen Banana’s head cracked back so fast and so violently that the crowd went silent. At least, it seemed that way because Lisa had just left to go to the bathroom at that exact instant. After staggering for a few moments, the bell rang and The Frozen Banana crumpled to the mat. Saved by the bell.
The Frozen Banana’s corner considered throwing in the towel after the massive blow dealt by Nobody Respects Me, but after a quick check from Can You Watch My Books… whose dad is a doctor, they let the fight continue. The Frozen Banana tried to avoid Nobody Respects Me’s blows by dodging side to side constantly as if he were playing Wii boxing like a tool. Unfortunately, this video game inspired strategy failed to transfer over into the real world and Nobody Respects Me landed an atomic bomb of an overhand right, sending the Frozen Banana sprawling onto the mat like a crumpled newspaper.
Post Fight Analysis: Well, this looks like the first knockout of the tournament and it was a big one. Luckily, The Frozen Banana’s got more money than he knows what to do with, so there is no need to worry about him. Hopefully Nobody Respects Me’s performance in the bout will gain him some of what he desires. Without the personal rage factor, it is unclear as to whether Nobody Respects Me can actually win another fight. Smooth Magic Smooth is quoted as saying that he never saw such a huge, massive, totally devastating right hand, but that he could easily take either or both Stoffers, even after eating 6 Krispy Kreme donuts.
Aftermath: Alan got revenge on his brother the next day by hiding under the kitchen table and punching his brother in the balls just as he was about to sit down. Nobody Respects Me expects a full recovery. Also the shattered remains of a paddleboat were found strewn in the Banana’s yard next to a dented shovel.