So last week I spent an entire day looking at peoples colons. I just thought you guys might like to know that. The camera they shoot up there is full color so you can see everything in clear detail. From the experience I got the idea for one of those theme park rides where you sit in a seat that moves around and are supposed to be flying while you watch a video. Why not one that goes through the human digestive tract? I’d ride on it.

Song Lyric Corrections

You guys all know that one of my special powers in life is getting song lyrics exactly right. Well, in case you were wondering, here are two songs that I have gotten right again and again….

“Wild World”

Ooh, baby, baby it’s wild world
It’s hard to get by, like child-girl

Yep. It’s a compound noun – child-girl.

“Poor Places”

It’s my father’s first birthday and I think I’m getting drunk in the morning.

That’s the original first line. Rock on –


Aw Yeah! Bono does it again!

I just learned about a new musical in the works for 2010 and I almost crapped my pants/puked when I found out it was real.

Bono and the Edge present:

Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark

This sounds exactly like something Bono would do. I guess making a Spider-Man musical is what you should expect from a man who wears sunglasses indoors and calls himself “Mephisto.” I’m not even going to mention the diamond shoes.

How do you “turn off” the dark? Light a match maybe? Bono reminds me of the Sphinx from Mystery Men. “You must master your rage, or your rage will become your master.” “You must be like the wolf pack, not like the six pack.”

I guess if anyone could figure out how to turn off something that is the absence of something else, it would be Bono. Bono – the master of the quasi-paradox. The silence is deafening.

What would make me pay up to $200 to see it would be if Spider-Man had to fight Spider-Ball. That would be a truly epic battle that only Bono could create lyrics for. I honestly would pay to see that (as long as Mark played Spider-Ball).

On another related topic, if you haven’t heard about It Might Get Loud you should check out the trailer. It’s a documentary about the electric guitar featuring Jimmy Page, Jack White, and the Edge. That should be truly awesome and educational.

Hit My Baby Son

Cartoons just don’t seem to deal with the important issues anymore. So please enjoy one of the great animated classics from Chuck Jones and ask yourself why cartoons so often shy away from child abuse and suicide.

Good Times History: Hey Guerilla Bastard

Yeah you know I got your attention with that one dudes. My last post put me on to something…the documentation of events, hijinx, speeches, and or anything else awesome or notable that happened at BYU. Basically I am creating an archive right here on this blog. This post will feature an email detailing an event that happened to Howard in the Summer of 2005. This was an email from Howard to me with the subject heading “Re: Hey Guerilla Bastard”. Here it is:

“Well this is the deal. I didin’t want to tell you because I thought you
might laugh so hard you’d crap your pants, but here goes. I put the gorilla
suit on late ont he 4th and was walking around with some girls from our
ward, we walked past the devonshire dumpster and there was like a half a
dozen punk kids messing around it and so I busted in doing gorilla stuff.
Then they come out and all of them start jumping all over me bumping me with
thier chests. So I didn’t like it and I didn’t want to KMA them because
they were just dumb kids, so I reached down and grabbed one of the kids nuts
and squeezed really really hard. The stupid kid falls right to the ground
screaming “the gorilla grabbed my nuts!” And they all run away. It was
ridiculous man.”

I almost did crap my pants when I read that one. I was in Cairo and the email gave my life there some much needed hilarity.

Also, I remember hearing that the “girls from our ward” were foreign chicks. The whole thing is typical old Howard.


President Lincoln even greater than previously thought?

So I’ve been reading a book called Lincoln’s Quest for Union and the final section of the book deals with his attitude towards humor. The following was one of Abraham’s Lincoln’s most oft-repeated jokes and, I believe, gives us further insight into his greatness:

At a party not far from here a fine table was set and everyone was having a grand time. Among the guests was our man of audacity, who was confident, self-possessed, and never off his guard. After some dancing, promenading, flirting, and so forth, dinner was served and the man of audacity was placed at the head of the table to carve. With everyone surrounding the table the man whetted the blade and set to work. But he expended too much energy, for he let go a large fart. Everyone heard it and was shocked. Silence reigned. But the audacious man was cool and self-possessed. He calmly took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, put his coat deliberately on a chair, spat on his hands and rubbed them together, squared his shoulders, and picked up his knife, all without a smile or a movement of the muscles in his face. “Now by God,” he said, starting to carve the turkey again, “I’ll see if I can’t cut up this turkey without farting.”

Restaurants in Tempe

This is a special message for Jennejohn.

There’s a restaurant here in Tempe called Sucker Punch Sallies. That’s right, dude. I’ve never been in there, but I run past it all the time. We could totally lure those nancy pants from the shodokan club in there and punch ’em in the gut.