We had our baby almost two full weeks early on Dec 31st and named her Fern. The whole process went very smoothly and Emeline is feeling great. From the time we arrived at the hospital to the time Fern was born was all of 30-45 minutes thanks to Em being in denial about actually being in labor and also being what can only rightly be called a bad ass. After waiting in line at Target to make a return while having contractions, she came home and announced we needed to go the hospital. We got there and the nurses were pretty slow with things because of how nonchalantly she walked in until they checked her out and said she was at a 10 and whisked her off to a labor and delivery room to finish up.

It was a great way to finish off our Christmas season. We hope you’re all doing well!

The Stoffer name lives on

Ezra James Stoffer was born on on Saturday night at around 7:30pm.  He weighed 9lbs 5oz.  Mom and baby are doing fine but the birth was a kind of a traumatic experience for me.

This was our third time around so we pretty much knew what to expect.  We got to the hospital early because both Stella and Violet came very quick and we ended up having them both about an hour after getting there.  This time we wanted to experience childbirth at a slower, relaxed pace.  Marci went into labor with Ezra around 10am and we got to the hospital around 2pm.  After 2 hours, the contractions hadn’t gotten more intense and she wasn’t progressing towards delivery.  We tried walking around the hospital to jumpstart the process.  Nothing happened.  Marci knew that if she took a bath the baby would come, but the hospital only had showers.  After four hours at the hospital we finally faced the fact that this baby is not going to come unless it is a rush job.  So we decided to go home. We left the hospital at 6:00pm and Marci took a bath while I picked up the kids and put them to bed.  Less than an hour after we got home I heard Marci yell from the living room that her water had broken.  All over the couch.  So at around 6:50 we were back in the minivan, darting around traffic at 85 miles an hour while Marci screamed in the passenger seat.  We got to the the Hospital a little after 7:00 and Marci gave birth at 7:28.

Now, I have seen two other births in my life.  Stella came out kicking and screaming.  Violet came out inside her fully-intact fluid sack and once they ripped her out of there she was kicking and screaming.  So I thought I had seen it all.  When Ezra’s head popped out I could tell something was wrong. The chord was wrapped around his neck and the doctor quickly reached for the scissors to cut the chord before Ezra was even out.  I could sense tension enter the room. When Ezra came out he was not kicking and screaming.  He was silent.  His whole body was as limp as a wet rag and he was a deep shade of purple from head to toe.  I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew what I was seeing was not good.  Instead of handing the baby to Marci like they usually do, they rushed Ezra to a table at my left where they put some sort of respirator on him.

Now, I am not a super emotional person and I don’t get worked up by things. I think I maybe shed a tear or two at my girls’ births.  But seeing my son’s limp body placed there with two nurses working on him was really upsetting.  I looked back at my wife who was still recovering and oblivious to what was going on in the room.  I didn’t know what to say to her.  And so I cried.  I tried to keep it together but my legs went weak and just cried for what felt like a long time.  This whole ordeal probably took less than two minutes but it felt like forever.  Ezra did start breathing.  He started crying and they handed him to Marci.  Apparently this kind of thing happens all the time and the nurses reassured me that they were not worried at all.  But for me I really had a moment there where I though that my son had died in childbirth.

I don’t remember the last time I felt an emotion that deeply.  I may never have.  So in a way I am actually grateful for that terrible experience.

Anyway.  The baby is perfectly happy now and is nursing well.  Here are some pictures.

img_2585 part_1477276204115_img_20161023_122814 img_2991


Finally, a Presidential Candidate Jon Stoffer Can Support 100%


That’s right, Washington lawyer, Andrew D. Blasiago. Former CIA chrononaut is about to blow the lid off the top secret time travel program (among other things) that the US Govt. has kept in the dark[o] the past 40 years. He’s tired of the US Govt. [12] monkeying around with time travel and giving the last 4 presidents, as well as himself, foreknowledge of their presidencies. You can trust Andy because he’s not only studied the Gettysburg Address, he went back and heard it live. You know its true cause someone snapped a pic. You better get prime[r]d to vote for this guy. I’m putting all my 1.21 gigawatts in. Are you?






If these proposals aren’t enough to get your vote, I seriously question your moral and ethical foundation. With President Basiago we will surely be heading to a future where we will finally be excellent to each other.

Another great Stoffer family email

Jon just sent out another gem of a response to one of my dad’s emails.  Here is a summary of the email chain followed by his exact response.

Dad: We want to redo the signs for the the Wholly Cow.  Here is the new design.  What do you think?

dad cow

Julie: That’s stupid.  This looks exactly like the old sign and the old sign is fine.  Don’t fix what’s not broken.


Jon: “Ok After a lot of consideration. I think I have a sign design that can work for all of us. Take a look.”

Displaying Cow.pngDisplaying Cow.pngCow

Sunday School

I’m wondering if I should just play an episode of Arrested Development for my Sunday School lesson this week.

Also, kudos to Arnold Friberg for perpetuating the “beards are a sign of evil” thing. That’s almost as awesome as Saturday’s Warrior’s cast of bad guys being composed of non-whites. I think the Asian guy even says “hell” as a curse word in that movie.

Aliens Are Building a MegaStructure Around KIC 8462852

Super-intelligent alien life pretty much confirmed. Apparently, aliens are building a Dyson Sphere or Dyson Swarm around a star in order to harvest its energy for their consumption. I can only assume they need more energy  to maintain their appearance generators in order to hide their reptilian form and continue their long-term conspiracy of human genetic and soul matrix manipulation in order to construct an artificial mer-ka-bah which they will use to transcend this dimension (where they’ve been imprisoned by the Pleiadeans or maybe Annunaki, we don’t know for sure) so they can, yet again, attempt to invade Oliblish, the Key to Power. Of course, they still haven’t found a way to diffuse the processes of Kae-e-vanrash (the transmittal of light/the Grand Key) or kli-flos-is-es (a/k/a hau-ko-kau-beam or the transmittal of power) and thus will ultimately be thwarted and banished forever into the 5th Dimension (what we call outer darkness). Not telling you anything you don’t already know though.





Howard and Sidwell podcast outtakes

So Howard and Sidwell came onto Dave and my podcast recently, and we recorded an extra 30 or so minutes that didn’t make it into the actual episode, but which might make some of you laugh. Spencer wanted to hear it, so I’m posting it here. Enjoy!

If you want to download it and play it offline, the file lives here.