Wisdom from Jon

Hey guys.  Jon went on a pretty good rant on a family email chain recently so I am posting it here.  Enjoy.

The context is that our sister was concerned that Mom drinks too much Coke and she suggested that Mom should switch to coffee because it is less harmful.

Jon: You all are being really retarded right now. It’s called WATER. WATER. It is 100x healthier than soda and coffee. WATER. It cleans your teeth while soda and coffee just gunk it up. WATER. If you avoid getting hooked on those expensive other beverages it will be all you ever need for a pick me up. WATER. If you really cared about moms teeth you would tell her to drink WATER.

Sister: That’s fine, but mom is old. [paraphrased]

Jon: What has age got to do with it? And how is replacing a soda addiction with a coffee addiction helpful in any way? Your logic suggests that because coffee only hurts your teeth a medium amount instead of the large amount that comes from soda that it is somehow a great option… It’s like saying “Hey Bill, instead of hitting me twice in the face every day, just hit me once every day, then I will be fit as a fiddle!”I say screw that, how about you just stop hanging around Bill. Bill is clearly an ass hole.


Sometimes becoming healthier means actual sacrifice. I know Americans have trouble with this concept so we are all fat. But I cannot count how many times I have heard nutritionists beg Americans to only drink water. I remember watching Oprah and when she asked the nutritionist “what is the best thing a person can do for themselves”. The guy said only drink water and the crowd gasped as though he had said slaughter your first born (It was both funny and sad).


Basically WATER is the one and only beverage with no negative side effects. Juice, alcohol, soda, coffee, tea even milk they all lead to earlier graves. You may not like hearing that but it is the truth. So as I said, if the issue here is really about helping mom become more healthy and have stronger teeth you should be telling her the make the sacrifice, gain a bit more self control, and only drink WATER.


Sister: Of course water is best.  But as you get older your stamina drops and you just need a pick me up sometimes.  So in that case you should choose the lesser of two evils.  But you are right, in an ideal world we would all drink water.  [paraphrased]


Jon: Dude it is not hard to live without some mystical “boost in a bottle”. I have never bought into the concept of self medication as necessary. The only reason people take NyQuil when they’re sick is because the world tells them it is the only way a sick person can sleep. The world tells us we need energy in a bottle, sleep in a bottle, strength in a bottle, health and wellness in a bottle. Why are we the only gosh darn animal on this whole gosh darn planet that needs all this crap in a bottle just to get by?! Why is it that the people I know who get sick the most are also the first ones that rush to the pharmacy for every little headache? Why is it that the soda and coffee drinkers of the world are always the first to run out of energy? Do you not see the obvious signs of dependency?! We don’t need any of this crap. We take it because we think we need it because advertising firms spend billions of dollars each year convincing us we do. Stop drinking their Kool-aid! You want energy? Drink WATER and do a little exercise. A healthy person will always have more energy than they need.

Dad: Why are we talking about this when we should be talking about selling the Wholly Cow?  I’m old and want to retire. [paraphrased]


  1. If I had a yearbook quote this year, this would definitely be it: “Juice, alcohol, soda, coffee, tea even milk they all lead to earlier graves!” Amazing. Thanks, Alan. Jon’s the best.


  2. “Stop drinking their Kool-aid!”
    I see what you did there!

    Also, you should read that last paragraph and imagine that it’s Howard talking about the benefits of regular enemas.


  3. So last week I picked up a homeless lady that was hitchiking. I ended up inviting her to spend the night at my house. When she got there I asked her if she wanted a glass of water. She asked instead for soda. We don’t have any. Then she asked for coffee, then tea, then juice, We didn’t have any of that. I thought of Jon and wished he’d been there so he could educate this poor lady on how her drinking choices had affected her health.

    To make things better she woke up in the morning all sweaty and panicked and went out into the back yard to pee. It was awesome.


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